Yearning Solace
by zulija
Summary: Kaidan asks Shepard for forgiveness, but is she ready to forgive him for the things he said on Horizon and Mars? She has her doubts and struggles with the decision. Rated M for stuff that might happen in the future.
1. Chapter 1

**Ah, I really missed my Sheko! So here you go people, a short Shenko story by me. This takes place in ME3, when Shepard receives the first message from Kaidan saying that he wants to see her in the hospital about the Spectre recruitment.  
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**Anyway, this won't be a long story, but don't let me spoil the fun. Chapters will have a average word number of 3000 till 4000 (hopefully), just so you know. And I will try to update weekly. I don't have a beta for this bad boy, so all mistakes are mine. Bear with me, please!**

**Read and review and enjoy!**

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><p>Her heart was thudding rapidly against her ribcage as she sucked in one deep breath after another. Usually, she was much more reserved than this, but right now, all she could feel was the nervousness coursing through her system, the uncertainty. She came to Huerta Memorial hospital the moment the Normandy docked on the Citadel, her steps had been hurried as she passed the crowds of people lining the Citadel docks. Kaidan was the only thing on her mind, but now as she stood in front of the door to his room, her mind went into overdrive and she began to overthink things.<p>

The question why he had called for her haunted her the moment she had read the message. He wrote that he wanted to talk to her about his Spectre recruitment, but Jane could sense that there was something else in the air. The only thing she feared was that he would demand they talked about Horizon, the one subject she didn't even want to think about.

She wanted to bury that moment when he had turned his back on her and forget about it, but there was always someone or something that would remind her of it. Horizon kept breaking her heart, and there was no way for her to escape the God forsaken memory.

Sucking in another deep, steady breath, she steeled her mind and forced the steps to erase the remaining distance between her and door. Once she was in reach, the door hissed open and it revealed Udina standing near Kaidan's bed as he tried to convince him to take up on the Spectre offer. She was glad when the Councilor left the hospital room seconds later after she had entered it, greeting her with a slightly sharp, "Commander."

It had been enough to distract her thoughts from the person lying on the bed, but when the door slid shut behind her, she was aware of the chocolate eyes staring at her. Jane shifted awkwardly when she turned to face him, avoiding his gaze as best she could and instead looked at the bruises that covered his face. She couldn't bear to see the anger and despise he felt for her in his eyes; it would break her heart all over again.

Without looking up at him, she sat down on the nearby chair and let out a long breath, she could feel his eyes piercing into her head. There were times on the old Normandy when she enjoyed his obvious staring; right now, she wished he would just stop.

"Shepard, hey," he greeted softly, his voice bearing a happy note.

It was then she met his eyes for the first time since entering the room, and her heart leapt in her throat with both relief and pain. She was relieved to see him well and alive, but the bruises on his face resurrected the memories of the Cerberus synthetic beating him against the shuttle wall. It was horrible to watch, and she knew she would never forget that moment when he almost died in front of her.

"Hey," she greeted with a small smile on her face, trying as best to keep the rioting emotions from her voice. Scratching an imagined itch on her chin, she tried to start the conversation lightheartedly. "You call, I come running," she teased, and was rewarded with his chuckle.

"Yeah, thanks for dropping by so quickly." He said, the gleam in his eyes was of happiness. "Didn't think you would make it so fast."

"We just finished a mission, and we came to the Citadel to restock our supplies." She lied. He was the only reason she threatened Joker to get to the Citadel as fast as possible. The helmsman took her threat about replacing him with another pilot seriously, to which she was grateful that her loyal friend still respected her, even though he knew her for years.

Kaidan looked away from her and out of the huge window facing the Citadel's vista, his expression turning thoughtful and worried. To her, it seemed that he had a hard time deciding what to say.

Not wanting to let the uncomfortable silence stretch anymore, she decided to breach another topic. "Still thinking about the Spectre offer?"

He sighed and the tension that was on his face a moment ago disappeared. "It's a huge honor and a great responsibility. I just want to be sure of my decision before I agree to anything, you know?"

"Sure," she agreed, the corner of her mouth tilted in an amused smile. "You should take up on the offer though," she said honestly, holding his gaze as she explained further. "You are a great soldier; you belong among the Spectre's."

He let out a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his neck when he replied shyly, "Thanks, Shepard." His expression turned a little serious then, he lifted his eyes and locked them with hers. His voice was husky and low when he said, "Hearing that from you means a lot."

Shepard shifted awkwardly in her seat but couldn't break his gaze that held her captive. She stared at Kaidan and he at her, both unable to articulate a proper sentence for a long while. Jane's mind decided to be cruel then and showed her memories of the time they had spent together back on the SR-1.

The would always meet up in the engineering deck on the old Normandy when most of the crew went to sleep. They would hide behind the piles of crates or the Mako and talk about various things before they would start to kiss each other. A soft kiss turned into a deeper one, which then turned into a series of hot, passionate kisses. They had to force themselves away from each other before the situation escalated completely. After they parted, she would return to her cabin, hot and aroused, wondering what his wonderful, soft, yet calloused hands would do to her.

She was lost in the memories of their numerous passionate nights they had spent together during the one month of shore leave. Everything had been so easy and perfect between them; now she was uncomfortable even looking at him. Uncomfortable because she missed him but was afraid to open her heart to him again without knowing what he felt for her. She broke eye contact with him and looked down on the sheet that covered him, feeling the heat of embarrassment burning her cheeks.

"Shepard," he called her softly and suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts. She lifted her eyes from the sheet to meet his once again, only to see the change in them. The happiness and relief from earlier was replaced by bitterness and sadness, shadowing over his features and darkening his chocolate eyes. She furrowed her brows in concern and wanted to ask what bothered him, but he spoke before she could even open her mouth.

"I need to apologize," he said, and her heart fell with dread. His statement took her completely by surprise and she blinked twice when the meaning of his words settled in. He exhaled heavily and lowered his eyes to her hands, watching them with what she guessed was remorse. When he met her eyes again, her heart contorted painfully at the amount of sadness and pain that became even more evident than before.

He sucked in a deep breath, Jane's heartbeat went frantic because of what she feared would come next."About Mars, about Horizon… about everything."

_No, _she thought when she shifted in her seat, this time leaning a bit away from the bed as she desperately avoided his gaze. She wasn't ready to have this conversation with him. Horizon and Mars were two topics she wasn't yet ready to breach.

Swallowing hard, she turned her eyes to the floor as she struggled to come up with the right thing to say that would make him change the topic. "Kaidan…"

"Look," he interrupted, his voice painful and pleading her to listen to him. "I have to get this of my chest or it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Please... just, listen to what I have to say."

She swallowed another lump but nodded hastily, showing him he could continue with whatever he wanted to say. Running away from the topic wouldn't change anything between them and, knowing Kaidan, he wouldn't drop the subject until they cleared the air. "I've said the wrong things on Horizon. I know I should've been there for you and come with you, but… seeing you after two years of grief and hell," he silenced suddenly and sucked in a deep breath.

Jane's heartbeat increased even more when he hesitated to continue his speech, which sent her nerves on edge. Luckily, he continued before she could say something which she would later regret. "It sent me spinning, you know? I lost control. The pain, the anger, the guilt… everything came back at once and I didn't know how to deal with it at the moment."

She could feel his eyes piercing her head, but she didn't have the courage to look at him; it would break her and she would end up a crying mess. Hearing him apologize didn't mend the yawning abyss that was between them as she had thought it would; to her it seemed that it grew only bigger. When he spoke again, his voice was even more strained than before, and she could hear just how guilty he felt. "And then on Mars, when I saw those Cerberus operatives… I couldn't rationalize what I was saying. I've been an ass on both Horizon _and _Mars, and…"

_And what? _Meeting his gaze, she held her breath as she anticipated what he wanted to say, her heart drumming nervously against her chest so loud she was sure he could hear it. It was his turn to look away nervously and swallow the lump down his throat before he said, "I am deeply sorry. For everything I ever did to hurt you."

He moved then, slowly and a little hesitantly, and her heart stopped beating for a while when he placed his hand on top of hers. Her now wide and frightful eyes stared at their joined hands, her entire body trembling from the upheaval of emotions and his confession. In that moment, she didn't know what to say or do; she wished for so long and so desperately that he apologized to her for the things he said. She thought she would feel relieved, happy and at peace; she was wrong.

"Can you forgive me?" he asked, squeezing her hand a little, as if to show his seriousness about the situation.

She smiled softly as she looked nostalgically at their joined hands. Shepard was a strong and skilled woman, determined at whatever she did and ruthless whenever she needed it to be. She never gave her heart to someone, fearing that no one would know to cherish it properly. On the inside, she was insecure and a little nervous when it came to the matters of the heart. She could handle a lot of bullets piercing her body, but she couldn't handle the pain from having your heart ripped apart.

That all changed though when Kaidan Alenko stepped into her life, back on the SR-1. He mesmerized her with his boyish charms and shy attitude, and she knew from the first time she had talked with him that she was in trouble. Slowly, over time, Kaidan found his way into her heart, and she opened up to him completely.

Kaidan was her weak point and her strength. Through all the months chasing down Saren, he was there for her, always pointing her in the right direction. The decision to save either him or Ashley wasn't made lightheartedly, but for the first time she allowed herself to love. No matter how much she cared for Ashley as a friend, she couldn't let go of the man she loved. That was the first time in her life that she was selfish, and it had cost someone their lives.

Now, after everything that happened between them, after crushing her heart and trying to mend it and failing, he was asking for her forgiveness. Truth was that Jane couldn't forgive and forget that easily, but he didn't need to know that. She wasn't sure why she didn't want to tell him the truth and be done with him, but something held her from doing so.

Smile turning slightly rueful, she admitted, "This war could kill us any day. I don't want to die knowing that we hadn't put Horizon and Mars behind us." Nodding once, she added, "We're good." Her heart felt heavy for lying to him, but she couldn't be honest. There was so much going on in her head that she couldn't decide anything at the moment.

Kaidan let out a nervous laugh, but the smile on his face was of relief and happiness when he withdrew his hand from hers, leaning it on his stomach. "Thank you. I promise I won't ever doubt you again."

Nodding slowly with a weary smile on her face, she buried everything that had happened now into the darkest recesses of her mind; she would think about it later. Right now, she remembered she brought something for him, something that had belonged to him while they were still on the old Normandy.

Smiling, she explained to his curious and somewhat shocked expression she received from him. "I found this among my things from the first Normandy. Joker kept them safe, and… well…" she lowered her head and blinked twice, embarrassment coloring her cheeks before she added sheepishly, "I didn't have the heart to throw it away."

He blinked as he gently took the dark brown, leather belt from her. Jane knew it was just a regular belt and she couldn't understand why he was so shocked at seeing it again. He ran his fingers across the rough, worn leather, his expression thoughtful and distant. She didn't say a word as she watched him, letting the silence stretch between them and giving him all the time he needed. His eyes shot up to meet hers and she watched his Adam's apple work as he swallowed, and when he spoke, his voice was thick and heavy with emotion.

"You still have it?"

She shrugged, trying to ignore the importance of the fact that she had kept his belt for over a year, even though 'they' didn't exist anymore. She couldn't throw it away, it belonged to Kaidan and everything from him was sacred to her, even if he had broken her heart.

The way he was looking at her now, with a mix of admiration and longing and relief, made her uncomfortable and a little flustered, so she avoided his gaze when she said, "Yeah. I knew you would probably look for it."

She looked up at him again and watched him carefully as he furrowed his brows in deep thought, his eyes focused on the belt in his hands.

Sucking in a deep breath, Kaidan ran a hand down his face when he said breathlessly, "Thanks."

Shepard smiled, he looked so relieved, so happy, that she had to wonder if it had something to do with her keeping the belt for so long. For her, it had been a year, but to him it had been three long years. She wondered if there was something more behind that relieved expression.

Knowing that she had a million more appointments to hold, she pushed herself from the chair and dismissed every other thought that would take away her focus. Clearing her throat nervously, she stated, "It was nice seeing you Kaidan." and was rewarded with his sad, yet understanding smile.

"I'm glad you could stop by, Shepard. I..." he coughed nervously before admitting, "I missed talking with you like this. It reminds me of… of the good days we spent."

She blushed and lowered her head, not knowing what to say other than a breathed out, "Yeah."

Shaking her head again, she tried to tame her frantic heartbeat before she said, "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

Smiling adoringly at her, he assured, "Don't worry, I got it all covered, but thanks."

She nodded once, then started for the door. A mixture of emotions was coursing through her body and she couldn't think clearly. Kaidan had always managed to make her nervous and flustered; that fact didn't change even after three years of separation.

"Hey Shepard," he called softly and she froze in place before she turned to face him.

A warm, bright smile lighted up his features. "How about we have a drink once I'm out of this hellhole?"

Laughing lightly, she agreed with a teasing, "Okay, but you're buying." before starting for the door again.

The doors slid shut behind her when she left the room. Now she had to return to the other part of her job and play politics with the other Councilors to gather help for Earth. It would at least distract her mind from the man in the room behind her, and the thought that she had lied to him. Only later, when she would be in the safe quarters on the Normandy, she would allow herself to reflect upon the situation and decide whether she did the right thing for accepting his apology or not.

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><p><strong>Hugs for everyone who took the time to read, follow, favorite and review this!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey there people! Here's chapter two, yay! Thanks a ton to everyone who read, faved and followed the story, you people are awesome and deserve all the chocolate in the world. Thanks to Vorcha Girl, Elissa Theirin and tlcinbflo for the wonderful reviews. They mean the world to me!**

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><p>Kaidan tapped his finger nervously on the table he sat on, his focus directed at his surroundings, hoping to spot the redhead he was waiting for somewhere in the crowd. He heard the people chattering about the war, about the fugitives fleeing from the Reaper infested worlds and seeking solace on the Citadel, but to him they sounded like they had a hard time grasping the truth that the end of days was here. Judgment day knocked on their doors and the people were too afraid and ignorant to believe it.<p>

However, Kaidan couldn't blame them for their ignorance. If he hadn't witnessed the destruction caused by the reapers first hand on Earth, he would've thought that this was just a nightmare, or a bad horror movie. The cruel reality was that everything was real; the rumors about the reapers strength were not just rumors. They were real, and he found himself wondering how the Crucible could stop such a mighty enemy.

Sighing, he shook his head from the thoughts. He promised himself that he would use this moment to get a clear head, to focus on what was most important to him. Of course, getting back Earth from the control of the Reapers was the most important thing in the galaxy, but the matters of the heart couldn't be postponed any longer.

Ever since he survived the beating on Mars, he thought about Jane and the time they had shared back on the SR-1. That time felt like it happened in another lifetime, far away from the reapers and everything going on lately. Everything was so different back then, he was so happy with Jane and the short time they'd shared. It was sad that their story had to end so soon, though Kaidan was determined to get her back no matter what.

He still couldn't believe that she had kept his belt for so long. The belt itself had no sentimental importance to him, but the thought that she kept the belt even after all the cruelties he'd said to her on Horizon and Mars, was enough for him to believe that there was a chance to get her back.

He rubbed his sweaty palms together when he looked around, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw her walking down the stairs, dressed in a tight leather black dress. Her blond hair was cascading down to her shoulders and framing her face. Even from the distance Kaidan could see that she put up a bit of makeup to accentuate her eyes and lips.

He knew he was staring at her in open-mouthed amazement, but he couldn't bring himself to look away. Only when she sat down on the seat next to him and cleared her throat did he manage to get out of the trance like state.

"Hey," she greeted softly, smiling at him as though he was the most precious thing in her life.

Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat, he let out a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his neck. "Hey," he greeted back. Had he known that she would pick a sexy leather dress for the occasion, he would've chosen another outfit instead of his Alliance uniform. "Looking good," he said with a teasing grin on his face.

She tucked her hair behind her hear and lowered her head shyly when she breathed out a nervous, "Thanks." She then lifted her head and looked around, taking in their surroundings and the people around them. "Nice place. I've never been here before."

Kaidan leaned forward and intertwined his fingers when he looked at the same scenery in front of them. "It opened a few weeks ago and it's one of the few places that still has steak."

She chuckled and leaned forward closer to him. "Yeah, you and your love for steak."

"Hey, you know you love it too." He couldn't help but laugh at the playful annoyed roll of her eyes. Kaidan watched her profile and his smile fell a little as he admired her beauty. He missed her, he desperately wanted to hold her again and be there for her, to feel her love and to show her she always would be the only one for him.

He cleared his throat and rubbed his palms again before he took the menu card from the table. "So, what are you having?" he asked when the silence stretched too much, making him a little nervous.

Jane inspected the menu card before she placed it face down and said, "Beer. You?"

He considered for a while what to order, but then decided for a shot of Canadian whiskey. He waved for the waiter to take their orders, and before he reached the table Kaidan turned to Jane and asked, "You want something to eat?"

Jane shook her head and the waiter arrived. He took their orders and disappeared, and moments later he reappeared with their drinks. Kaidan payed for their drinks and the salarian waiter left, giving them the privacy both needed.

Shepard took a long sip from her beer before she looked nostalgically at the beautiful view in front of them. Kaidan used the time to come up with a proper way to tell her how much he wanted to make up for lost time. His nervousness grew when he started overthinking things, which usually led to him chicken out of the situation.

Before he could say anything, Shepard turned to face him, a warm smile on her face when she started. "So, how are you these days?"

Kaidan was relieved that she'd started the conversation; he would work his way up from there. "Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me." He said with a weary smile on his face. "And I'm glad that I could convince you to sit down for a second and relax. I could use a sanity check."

She leaned forward again, cupping the beer bottle in her hands as she did so. "Sanity check, huh?" she asked, her one brow teasingly quirked.

Kaidan's smile turned weary when he replied, "Yeah… we need to get away from all that's happening lately."

Shepard lowered her head then and stared at the beer bottle cradled in her palms. Her features turned distant then and Kaidan wondered not for the first time what she was thinking about. He could see the dark circles under her eyes that she tried to hide with makeup, but failed. He could see the set of new wrinkles around her eyes, gained by the many restless nights no doubt. This war was taking its toll on her, but despite the weight she carried every day, she managed to keep a clear head no matter what.

He admired her for that; it was one of the few things that pulled him to her back on the first Normandy. No matter what happened around them, Shepard always kept a cool head and led them towards victory.

God he loved that woman. If he could turn back time to Horizon, he would follow her lead and be with her without a second thought. But what happened on Horizon would always be a stain on their lives, one they would have to learn to live with it, if it wasn't already too late.

Taking a deep breath, he realized she was staring at him because the silence stretched too long. He swallowed and kept his eyes on hers when he spoke, his voice almost a whisper. "I sometimes wonder how you do it, Shepard." She furrowed her brows in confusion before he added, "You make it seem like it doesn't affect you at all."

She shifted in her seat and averted her eyes at the bottle in her hands. He could tell by the way her shoulders tensed that his statement hit a nerve, but it was the truth; no one would ever guess how tired and exhausted Commander Shepard really was.

"Yeah, I try not to worry myself to death." she admitted painfully before taking a long sip from her beer.

Her statement stabbed him right through the heart and he knew he needed to say something that would show her that he still believed in her. "Hey, I know it's not easy, and that you're at the front lines all the time. But you're Commander Shepard, the strongest woman I know; if anyone can win this war, it's you."

A confused smile inched itself across her lips when she hesitantly said, "Thanks… I guess."

Kaidan chuckled in amusement of her reaction. They talked about various stuff and Kaidan felt the barrier between them was slowly starting to crumble. That was good. If he wanted to make a move on her, he needed to be sure that she was ready to accept him.

Moments in a comfortable atmosphere passed, and Kaidan felt bold enough to reveal the true reason of this meeting. "Ah, look Shepard, there's another reason why I called you here." he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"What is it?"

Now he grew nervous. His heartbeat accelerated and he had to do his best to keep his breathing leveled. _Now or never, _he thought as he swallowed hard. "My life flashed before my eyes on Mars, and…" he glanced at her expression and saw it furrowed in confusion. Or was it fear? Kaidan couldn't tell, but he decided to continue his thought regardless. "There weren't enough moments like this… with the people I care."

She leaned back in her seat and played with her fingers nervously as she looked at them. "Kaidan…" she whispered his name, and he could feel a pleasant shiver running down his spine.

He couldn't hesitate now; he needed to tell her everything and get this weight from his chest. "I know I apologized a dozen times, but…" he let out a heavy breath and hung his head for a second to gather his thoughts. When he met her eyes, he could see a glimmer in them, though he couldn't say of what. "I am sorry, Shepard. I wish I could change the past and erase Horizon and Mars from both our lives."

"Kaidan, please…" her voice quivered slightly as she turned her head away from his.

He could feel the many emotions radiating off of her in waves. It tore at his heart to see her like this, but they needed to get past this; _he _needed to get past this. Otherwise, it would haunt him forever.

"Shepard, I wonder about us and what we had every night, and…" he whispered, before he took a deep breath through his nose when she slowly turned her head to look at the table, unable to bear his gaze. "I need to know if there is a chance for 'us' again."

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_Oh my God…_

This couldn't be happening, could it? Jane couldn't believe her ears. The one man she always loved and broke her heart more than once, now asked if 'they' would ever happen again. It was so overwhelming. She wanted to speak, but she had no idea what to say.

One part of her wanted him, everything of him; his heart, his soul, his body. She wanted him to be there for her for the rest of her life. Kaidan Alenko was the only man she could ever imagine having a family with; the very same Kaidan Alenko that broke her heart. Nothing in her life was ever easy, and her love life wasn't an exception.

God how she wanted to say yes, to be in his arms again, to remember how it was to be loved. Even though he had hurt her, she could understand why he reacted the way he did. She'd never blamed him and she never would, but the fear of having her heart broken again turned her into a scared pup.

She swallowed and tried to lower her heartbeat with her deep and steady breathing, but the situation was too overwhelming. He maybe thought that Horizon was behind them, but she couldn't just forgive and forget. This whole meeting, date, whatever it was, was a mistake. She never should've come here, especially not dressed as she was.

Yes, she wanted to tease him, to seduce him, but she never guessed that this conversation would take such unexpected turn.

"Shepard?" he called her name and pulled her from her thoughts. _What am I gonna do, _she thought as she tried to lower the overwhelming emotions playing inside of her.

She looked up at him and her heart broke at the sadness she saw in his chocolate eyes. He was expecting an answer and she would be a fool if she thought that he hadn't hoped to get her back. She saw the hopeful gleam of love and longing in his eyes the moment she sat in front of him.

But why was it so hard to say yes? Maybe the rift between them didn't mend at all, maybe it only grew bigger instead? She didn't know what to do, but all she knew was that she wasn't ready to trust anyone with her heart again.

"Kaidan, I… God…" she cradled her face in her palms and took a few calming breaths. When she was certain that her voice wouldn't betray how she truly felt, she admitted. "I lied."

She lowered her hands to the table and could see the confusion mixed with anger and hurt on his features. Before he could say anything, she added, "About Horizon."

"What do you mean?" he asked. He sounded calm, but the emotions were clearly displayed in his eyes; she was hurting him and it broke her heart, but she couldn't help it.

Letting out a sharp breath, she decided to fill him in on the details. "I know I said I put Horizon behind, but… I can't." She closed her eyes and let the memory of that horrible evening appear in front of her closed lids. "Whenever I close my eyes, I see you turning your back on me… on us."

Shepard felt the tears stinging her closed lids like daggers, but she wouldn't let them fall. He didn't need to see just how much Horizon affected her. "I tried really hard to put Horizon behind me, but… I can't Kaidan. It still hurts so fucking much I can't even put it to words." Then she opened her eyes and looked at him.

He was shocked and speechless. There was a dark shadow over his features, one that showed just how heartbroken he was. The look on his face shattered her heart to pieces. Despite how much it hurt her to see him so broken, she couldn't pretend that everything was alright between them; she tried, but she couldn't live with this charade for who knows how long.

He looked away from her and leaned back into his seat, blinking his eyes rapidly as he played with his glass. "I'm sorry," she whispered, hoping to mend the hurt at least a little. "I really am."

Kaidan let out a harsh breath and leaned forward again as he tapped his finger anxiously on the table. "No, no… it's fine." He lifted his head and looked around as his throat worked. Shepard could see his eyes gleaming with tears that he held back. "I should get back to the ship and finish my Spectre reports." he spoke quickly, his voice quivering.

He pushed himself from the chair without saying another word. Jane felt sad for hurting him, but she couldn't accept him back into her life when she was still hurting as well. "Kaidan, please, I'm sorry-"

He shook his head and let out a forced laugh. "No, it's okay. I understand. I really do." Keeping the bitter smile on his face, he walked backwards and added, "See you on the Normandy." before he turned and left the café as fast as he could.

Shepard watched him leave until he disappeared behind the entry doors. _That's it, _she thought as she hid her face in her crossed elbows on the table. He wanted to make things right, to make up for lost time, but she wasn't ready to let him in again.

She swallowed the sobs that threatened to escape before she wiped her teary eyes with the back of her fingers. As much as it hurt seeing Kaidan so heartbroken, she couldn't pretend that everything was alright just for his happiness. She hated being selfish, but right now that would help her decide what she wanted with her life. If that would even matter in the future. She'd turned him down and there was no guarantee that he would want her back after this.

She pushed herself out form the seat and decided to take a tour through the Commons before she would head back to the Normandy. She wasn't ready to face Kaidan again and she needed a few moments for herself to clear her mind.

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_Normandy, a few hours later..._

Kaidan stared out at the vast, empty space, taking in the sight of the stars glinting in the deep, dark universe. He blinked rapidly to suppress the tears from falling as he swallowed the mass of emotions down his throat several times. This was the worst day of his life; nothing he'd felt before could compare to this heartache. He felt as though sharp claws were tearing at his heart and soul.

He couldn't believe that she'd turned him down. He could partially understand why she did it, but still… the thought of not having her back in his arms again was tearing him apart. He wanted her so badly and to make things right between them, to show her that she meant the world to him. But everything shattered like a sandcastle in the wind as she looked at him with her teary eyes. He felt as though someone ripped his heart out.

He let out a long, shaky breath as he closed his eyes, causing two tears to fall, which he quickly wiped away. Why did it had to hurt so much? Why did every breath tear so painfully at his chest? Jane was the center of his life, always had been and always would be, but he did one terrible mistake and now he lost her.

It was so easy to imagine a life with her after the reaper war; to marry her and have kids with her someday. He shut his eyes tightly, his expression tight with devastation and sadness as the image of two kids with dark and blonde hair flashed before his closed lids. The future he thought he would have with her was nothing more but an illusion, a wish that would never be fulfilled.

God he needed to let go. He needed to move on and accept that she was too afraid to trust him again. He knew Jane, and he knew that she never entrusted her heart to someone so easily; except him. Cradling his face in his palms, the guilt at betraying her burned him from the inside out. He wanted to scream in frustration, to punch something until he couldn't feel anything anymore.

In just a couple of months, he lost everything; his home, his family, his love. It was hard to stay optimistic for him when he had almost nothing to fight for. He hung his head and took a deep cleansing breath. _No, _he couldn't think like that. He needed to stay focused and do his part to win the war.

He knew that dwelling on the past wouldn't do him any good, especially not now when the galaxy was threatened by a race of sentient machines.

Shaking his head, he banished all thoughts and tried to focus on the data pad in his hand. It was a casualty report and he scrolled through the names to see if his father or mother were listed there. His heart felt heavy with fear as he read each name, always fearing that the next could be his father's or mother's name listed as K.I.A.

Even though everything he knew and loved was falling apart, he knew what he was fighting for. He was fighting for Jane, and he would die for Jane if it meant that she will one day, after this war was over, be happy again.

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><p><strong>Ugh, I hate myself for being so mean to Kaidan. I love him to death, but I sometimes just have to be mean to him, you know? Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. There's more to come soon :-)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey there people! It's been a while since I update this piece of fanfiction, but here we go! I have no beta for this bad boy, so bear with me. Oh, and it is currently 2 am where I live, so sorry in advance for any mistakes, but I can't wait till the morning to post this. I am so excited!**

**Thanks to tlcinbflo, Vorcha Girl, Jules Hawk, Kirsah, Elissa Theirin, AvatarKorra and Guest for the wonderful reviews! You people make my day. Love ya!**

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><p>Kaidan finally allowed the tension to leave his body as he looked at the many dead geth lining the floor, the adrenaline that pumped through his veins slowly starting to ebb. Rannoch was a disaster, and Kaidan was glad that Shepard decided to bring him along. He felt sick just by the mere thought of him being on the Normandy while she fought off geth without him watching her back.<p>

He didn't trust anyone else with her safety despite the fact that Garrus went with her on almost every mission. It wasn't enough. Whenever she'd left the Normandy, he felt the pit grow in his gut, making him unable to think of anything else but Shepard and her safety. He would pace the Lounge up and down, and pray to every god in the universe to keep her safe even though they barely talked with each other. The thought that something could happen to her during the missions tore at his very being.

After she'd turned him down in the café, she avoided him as best she could. Instead of bringing him along, she picked Garrus or James to watch her back. It hurt to be the one left behind, but as much as he wanted to blame her, he couldn't. After everything that had happened between them, he should count himself lucky that she'd accepted him back on the ship in the first place.

There was an awkward tension between them; a tension so thick he could cut through it with a machete. He'd joined the Normandy in hope they would, in time, mend the rift that had spread between them; instead, they grew even more apart. He hadn't planned this, but Kaidan had to learn to live with it, otherwise he would pull his hair out in desperation.

Kaidan was very aware at how she desperately tried to avoid being in the same room as him. He had caught her alone in the mess a couple of times, when sleep evaded him and he decided to grab a cup of coffee instead. He would spot her sitting on the mess table, causing him to stop dead in his tracks as he admired her from afar. He would watch her for a few minutes until he made his way for the coffee machine, and even then she wouldn't notice him. She was trapped in the information evident in the data pad while she drank her coffee, barely managing to keep her eyes open.

Only when he greeted her with a breathed out and nervous, "Hey." would she acknowledge him, and her posture immediately changed.

She tensed and the atmosphere between them grew even thicker. He would try to avoid looking at her, but his eyes were pulled to her like magnets. Their eyes would meet only once before she excused herself and left the mess into the safe confines of her quarters.

He hated it. Being so close to her but not be able to talk to her like they used to was tearing at his heart. It was impossible for him to pretend that nothing ever happened between them and to stay professional with her. He dreamed of her every night, and every night he wished that she was with him. He was trapped in the past and it was hard for him to accept that 'they' would never exist anymore.

Releasing the breath he was holding in anticipation of more enemy reinforcements, he allowed his body to relax when he realized that no more geth would threaten them. He turned back in time to see Shepard talking into her earpiece, Tali close behind her. Not wanting to disturb them, he focused on his surroundings and kept an eye on possible enemy reinforcements.

Seeing Shepard in action again reminded him of the times they'd fought side by side against anything the galaxy threw at them. It felt so strange to be with her again after two years of thinking she was dead and one year without seeing her. Three years had passed since she died, and he still couldn't get over her. He was head over heels in love with her, just as he was on the SR-1.

Kaidan was devastated when he didn't see Shepard in the last escape pod. Shepard was everything he ever wanted in his life, but fate was cruel and separated them before they even got the chance to experience how their lives would have turned out beyond their work. He grieved her, mourned her, and thought he'd moved on with his life only for him to see her standing in front of him on Horizon and realize that he could never move on without her.

He shouldn't have lashed out at her the way he did, he knew that now. If he didn't, maybe everything would have turned out differently. He shook the thoughts from his mind and tried his best to focus on the here and now, knowing that mulling over the 'what-ifs' would do him no good.

"Alright," spoke Shepard while taking out the targeting laser, pulling Kaidan's attention back to her. "Let's destroy that reaper base and be done with it."

The tension returned to his body and he gripped the rifle hard, watching as Shepard pointed the targeting laser at what was believed to be the reaper base's weak point. He gave their surroundings a quick once over before he directed his entire focus at Shepard. His heart pumped adrenaline through his veins as everything around him died, his sole purpose to protect Shepard from whatever might happen.

Suddenly the ground trembled violently, knocking them all from their feet and from the upper platform. Kaidan saw stars for a few seconds as he tried to stand up, only to lose his strength and fall back onto the ground face first. He felt hands pull him up on his feet and recognized Tali when he looked up.

Kaidan glanced at Shepard and his jaw fell when he averted his eyes to the huge reapers that appeared out of the hole. Shepard was staring at the same before shouting, "It's not a reaper base! It's a live reaper!" She yelled at them to move, and both he and Tali sprinted after Shepard as the reaper fired its laser at them.

Kaidan was overwhelmed with the entire situation and his only purpose was to catch up with Shepard to make sure she was safe. Tali kept her pace next to him and they almost reached her when the reaper's blast missed them for only a few feet, knocking them down again. He didn't lost his footing, but Shepard did, and he panicked when he looked up at the reaper only to see it preparing another attack.

He ran as fast as he could and helped her up, giving her a quick once over to make sure she was unharmed. He caught the sight of her rosy cheeks and her slightly parted plush lips when he ran his eyes across her face, but instead of looking for injuries, he found himself admiring her beauty. When their eyes met, his heart stopped beating for a second and all he could do was stare back at her in open-mouthed amazement.

It took him a while to realize he'd been holding her by her lower arm, and when he did he flinched and released his hold on her before both stepped away awkwardly. Shepard's voice pulled him out of the clouds and ordered them to run when Legion sounded in their comms, telling them that it had acquired transport. A stone fell from his heart when they noticed Legion in the not too far distance in a geth ship, waiting for them to get on board.

They sprinted towards the transport and all jumped in before they drove away. Kaidan watched Shepard as she pointed the targeting laser at the reaper before the quarian fleet shot all their might into the enemy. When they were far enough, Shepard yelled an all clear and Legion stopped the geth ship, causing Kaidan's brows to furrow in confusion.

Cold sweat covered the back of his neck when Shepard jumped out of the ship and spoke into her earpiece. "EDI, sync the quarian fleet to the Normandy's targeting laser."

"_Acknowledged." _responded the AI.

She turned back to them, and from the determined and stubborn set to her features, Kaidan could guess what was about to happen. "Get the hell outta here! I'll stay back and take down the reaper!"

She couldn't do this, not again. He felt the same dread engulfing him as it did when she'd ordered him out on the first Normandy, just before she'd died. There was no way he could live through her death again.

Without thinking, Kaidan jumped out of the geth ship as well, and was met by her furious gaze.

"What the hell are you doing?!" she shouted, but Kaidan didn't so much as flinch as he approached her.

Meeting her narrowed her gaze with his stubborn one, he bit back, "I'm not leaving!"

The reaper let out its load roar, deafening them and interrupting whatever Shepard wanted to say, not that it would change anything. Kaidan was determined not to leave her alone again, and no matter what she said to make him leave, he wouldn't. The fear of losing her again was just too great, and there was nothing in the world that would convince him to leave.

Grabbing him by his collar, she pulled his face closer to her before she growled, "Leave, Major! That's a fucking order!" before releasing his collar roughly.

"Don't pull rank on me now, Shepard!" he said, and her express narrowed in irritation and anger. "Nothing you say will make me leave, so don't even try!"

"Kaidan-"she started, but he didn't want to hear her out. Instead, he turned around and ordered Legion to get Tali out of here. The geth did exactly what it was told without saying a word and ignored Tali's protests to stay. The two disappeared into the safe distance and he turned back to Shepard only to catch the furious and insulting look on her face.

Without saying another word, she turned on her heel and ran closer to the reaper, targeting laser in hand and Kaidan close behind her. He knew that he was disobeying a direct order and that his ass was on the line, but he couldn't care. She was going to face a reaper, and he would be damned if he let her face it alone. If they died, they would at least die together.

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_Several hours later..._

After a long and hot shower, Kaidan stepped out of the male shower wearing only his fatigues. He left the shirt in the Starboard observation, knowing that the crew was asleep and no one would see him walking around half-naked. He dried his hair with a fresh towel as he slowly made his way to his quarters, unable to think of nothing else but what had happened on Rannoch.

Shepard didn't say a word since they'd destroyed the reaper. Legion sacrificed itself to upload the reaper code to the geth. Kaidan didn't know if trusting the geth with the reaper code was a good idea, but he decided not to voice his concerns and instead kept silent when Shepard made the decision. She was on edge and he didn't want to stress her further with his opinion.

Still, he couldn't banish the uneasiness because he had disobeyed her direct order. He knew it was only a matter of time until she called for him; their encounter was inevitable. Until then, Kaidan would try to come up with something that would help him avoid taking too much grilling.

The doors to the Starboard Observation hissed open and he stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Shepard standing near the window facing the great, black void of the galaxy. His heart went full speed when he noticed her blond hair falling free down her shoulders. She was dressed in the N7 hoodie and matching sweatpants that hugged her thighs snugly.

He swallowed hard and willed his eyes from her long legs as he stepped further in. Kaidan could taste the tension in the room, and he could feel it weighing down on his shoulders when she suddenly demanded. "Get in, we need to talk." her voice was low but she sounded authoritative and left no room for negotiation.

Kaidan cleared his throat awkwardly and stepped further in. "Can I at least grab a shirt?" he asked, and was silently waiting for her answer.

When she gave none and instead kept staring at the twinkling stars, he sighed and moved to his bag before he retrieved a fresh, Alliance standard shirt.

He cleared his throat again and jumped on the balls of his feet as he nervously anticipated anything that could happen next. Kaidan was nervous, he had never seen this side of her; she was so mysterious that he had to suppress his fight or flight instincts.

His heart sunk when she spoke again, announcing to the AI, "EDI, I'm unavailable for the moment. Direct any calls and messages to Traynor."

"_Understood," _responded the AI humbly.

Kaidan felt even more nervous when heard a beep on the door behind him, indicating that it was now locked. She then turned to face him and he felt cold sweat covering his forehead when he spotted her narrowed features. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and her head slightly lifted so she could stare down at him. She was the definition of pissed, and Kaidan knew that there would be a hell of a shitstorm.

She kept her ground and her narrowed eyes on his when she spoke, "I don't like people denying my orders, Major."

Kaidan felt a pang of sadness when he heard her calling him 'Major', and the way she said it made him feel as though he was her worst enemy.

He took a step in her direction and raised his hand towards her. "Shepard-"

But he was cut off by her sharp glare as she stated, "That's Commander to you, Major."

He blinked dumbfounded, unable to tear his gaze away from her. He could feel her eyes piercing through him like daggers when she took a few steps towards him, slowly erasing the distance put between them.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she spat, her eyes narrowing even further as though she was looking at the most disgusting thing in the galaxy. He had no time to answer as she continued, "Who gave you the authority to disobey a direct order from your commanding officer?!"

Kaidan bit the inside of his cheek as he met her gaze bravely, a tick in his jaw as he swallowed the words that almost hurried out of his mouth. He needed to keep a clear head and to think his answers through first, otherwise he could say something he would later regret.

Clearing his throat, he straightened his back and crossed his hands on his wrists on his lower back. He wouldn't let her show of dominance scare him away. "With all due respect Commander, but I am the higher ranking officer here, and I deemed the situation dangerous so I stayed back so I could help you."

"The Normandy is _my _ship," she bit back, pressing a finger to her chest to solidify the statement. "There is no greater authority here or the battlefield, so when I say you should get the hell out, then that's exactly what you do!"

Kaidan shook his head as his own anger over the situation grew. He would try one more time to reason with her. "Shepard-"

"That's COMMANDER to you, Major!"

Kaidan had enough of her shit; he wouldn't let her treat him like dirt, like he was a nobody. He would give her a piece of his mind. "You want a piece of protocol?! Fine!" When she blinked in surprise, he used that second to continue what was on his heart, "The crew has a right to disobey a direct order if the commanding officer is suicidal!"

She blinked again, as though he was talking about something that had nothing to do with their initial argument. "You think I'm suicidal?!" she yelled back, confusion in her voice.

Kaidan snorted and kept the bitter smile on his face when he explained, "Facing a reaper _alone _is suicidal!"

"I was _not _alone!" she argued back, taking another step in his direction. "I had the entire quarian fleet at my back!" She calmed down a little but her expression remained stoic when she added, "And I'm not suicidal! I'm just doing what it takes to destroy the reapers!"

"By throwing away your life?" he countered and could see that his question shook her up a bit. Shaking his head a little, he took a step towards her as he wondered, "How would that help us destroy the reapers?"

He could see that she had no answer to this. _Good. _Kaidan wanted to lower her temper and to make her speechless somehow so she could finally listen to him. She needed to _hear _what he had to say in order for them to work this out. "If you'd died down there on Rannoch," he said, slowly erasing the remaining distance between them. "Who would lead us to victory? Who would be brave enough to lead a united galaxy against the reapers?"

He stopped maybe a foot away from her, now he could feel the heat she radiated and smell the scent of her shampoo. Kaidan had to suppress the urge to inhale deeply; it would distract him from the current situation. "That's why I stayed back," his voice was slightly above a whisper, heavy with emotion. "To help you. To keep you safe."

Her eyes fell to his chest and he could see the tick in her jaw as she gave her best to suppress any emotion that threatened to show what she felt at the moment. He could see a great amount of sorrow in her green eyes, could see that she struggled to keep her emotions in check.

Kaidan wanted to hug her more than anything, but he couldn't. An unknown force was keeping him back. He looked at her face, taking in the sight of her beautiful, flawless pale skin. She looked so much younger compared to him, so much more beautiful than any other woman. Shepard would always have a special place in his heart, the feelings he had for her would never disintegrate.

His heart thudded wildly against his chest as he struggled with what to do. She was clearly upset and deep in thought. He wasn't sure if he was allowed to pull her into an embrace. He wanted to, God how he wanted to, but he was not sure if he was allowed to. He had only just accepted her decision to be friends and now he was already hoping that there might be more between them.

But the need to hug her turned into an ever increasing hunger that he couldn't help but satiate. He _had _to hug her. Throwing his reservations out of the window, he slowly raised his arms and his breath caught in his throat when she lifted her eyes to meet his. He held his breath as he slowly and carefully wrapped his arms around her as though she was the most fragile thing.

When he wrapped them around her shoulders, he pulled her closer until her head was carefully cradled in the crook of his neck. He could feel her body trembling slightly against his as he anticipated whatever reaction might come from her. But when she leaned her hands on his waist, her body starting to shake a little more, Kaidan closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, recognizing the scent of her shampoo immediately.

A stone fell from his heart when he felt her relax in his arms, though she shook more and more. Kaidan stroked the back of her head as he relished in the moment, knowing and fearing that it could end any second. If he was honest, he didn't want this moment to end. He wanted it to last for as long as she needed him. He would show her that he was there for her, that she still had him even after everything that had happened between them.

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Why did her body have to betray her now? She didn't even know why she was shaking, yet here she was wrapped in a tight embrace of the person she loved and would always love. Why did she have to complicate things? Accepting him back was the easiest option, but her heart wasn't ready to forget just yet.

But the way he held her so carefully, his arms shaking slightly and his grip so soft, made her realize that she couldn't live without him. Every inch of her being missed him, but something blocked her from accepting him back. She knew the pain caused by what he said on Horizon and Mars couldn't be erased that easily, but she also knew she had to start somewhere if she wanted him back.

They could die any minute, life as they knew could be eradicated by the reapers within the blink of an eye, and here she was mulling over what to do.

She dug her fingers into his waist lightly as she shut her eyes tighter. She didn't even realize until now how much she'd missed him. Kaidan was an amazing man and the fact that he'd stayed behind to help her warmed her heart. Even after all they've been through, he would still throw away his life for her. How stupid she'd been to turn him down! This amazing, glorious man wanted her, and she was stupid enough to reject him.

His body felt so warm against hers, so soft yet so strong. He was her rock, her support and strength, and Shepard remembered what it was like to be loved by the very same man. She needed to tell him what she was thinking about, she needed to apologize and ask him for a chance to accept her back.

Swallowing the mass of emotion down her throat, Shepard found all the courage she could muster before she spoke, her voice a soft, trembling whisper. "Kaidan…"

"_Commander?" _Traynor's voice sounded over the intercom, interrupting whatever she wanted to say.

She stirred and wanted to pull back, but Kaidan tightened his hold on her and buried his face deeply into her hair. Her eyes widened and her cheeks blushed furiously, and it took her a moment to regain her senses enough so she could find out why Traynor called her.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her eyes taking in the shade of Kaidan's pale skin color of his neck.

The Specialists voice sounded apologetic when she answered, _"Admiral Hackett wants to speak to you. He's available over vid comm."_

Sighing, Shepard thanked the Specialist with a slightly louder, "Thank you." before the intercom clicked.

Only then did Kaidan pull away slowly, his eyes immediately resting on her face. Shepard's mouth fell slightly open as she stared at him, too mesmerized by his gaze and their proximity to voice a single word.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she placed a finger on his mouth before he could say anything. "We'll talk later." She whispered, her eyes on her finger on his lips rather than his eyes.

When she looked up, she caught him staring at her lips and that sight shot a pleasant spark down her spine. He nodded slowly, then lifted his eyes to meet hers when he whispered against her finger, "I'd like that."

She nodded and slowly stepped away, immediately feeling the loss of his body so close to her. Their eyes locked for a moment longer before she reluctantly walked towards the door. Her heart thudded wildly against her ribcage as she stared at the orange panel as it unlocked the door, but could feel the weight of his gaze on her back.

When the door opened, she turned and gave him one last departing glance and smile before she moved out of the Observation. Butterflies roamed her stomach and she could barely contain the smile on her face all the way to the War Room. They would talk later, as soon as she gathered enough courage to face him. Tonight, everything would change. The course of the evening would only decide how.


End file.
